The After Match Shower | The Suburban Footballer’s Secret Diaries


At a footy club, you must not wear your jocks in the shower. It’s as simple as that.

Last year our club held a raffle to raise money for one of our coaches who had fallen ill. It was a huge success and we ended up with just over $3000 cash for this great cause. The night the raffle was drawn the money went missing. It was found two days later in Rowdy’s footy bag. He denied stealing it, but the fact of the matter is, he was caught red handed. Despite having clearly stolen from a good friend going through a tough time, Rowdy is still more respected around our club than the 5 flogs that wear their jocks in the shower.

About 6 years ago, our clubrooms got renovated and the open plan showers that we had all grown up with were replaced by 5 separate shower cubicles, each with a lockable door. It was the beginning of the end. From day one, players started showering with the door closed. I lobbied to make it compulsory, punishable with a 4 match suspension, for the doors to be left open at all times but I just couldn’t get the support of the coaches and the committee. I had no choice but to break into the rooms mid-week with a Phillips head screw driver and remove all the doors. I plan to head back in in the coming weeks to remove the dividing walls. It’s clearly something I feel very strongly about.

Probably the only thing worse than showering in your jocks is not showering at all. Too often these days you see players leaving the rooms in their full gear with their bag over their shoulder. When asked, they always have an excuse like “I’ve got to rush home, got a family function to get to”. I don’t care if you’ve got your own wedding to get to. You shower with the boys and then you can go.

After a game, just before I strip down and hit the showers, I always put my hand down the front of my shorts and give my balls a good scratch. That’s what I pretend to do anyway. What I’m really trying to do is get some blood flow so that my shrivelled up footy dick doesn’t look so pathetic in front of my team mates.

One of our under 18’s got the call up to play 2’s on the weekend. He was one of the few good players in our 127 point loss as he notched up well over 20 possessions and kicked 3 goals while I spent the first three quarters of the game on the pine. After the game he jumped into the showers wearing his jocks which I thought presented a good opportunity to bring him down a peg. I leant over to him and said “Hey Marty. Just so you know mate, it’s considered pretty pathetic to wear your jocks in the shower. You’re playing with the big boys now”. He responded with a smile, then removed his jocks revealing a package that at was roughly 4 times the size of mine. I hadn’t been that humiliated since my opponent kick 6 on me in a quarter just 15 minutes earlier. I was not having a good day.

What do you think?