Yes, the USA.
Whilst America has bestowed many great things upon the global sports landscape (American football, Jumbotrons, Ed Wyatt, Space Jam) they tend to lag behind a bit when it comes to wacky logos. And hey, that’s perfectly understandable. Sport is big business, and when you’re running a Major League ‘franchise’ (=shudder=) worth more than the combined GDP of all the countries in the Commonwealth Games it’s fair enough you might want to slap it with some prosaic moniker like ‘the Eagles’ and be done with it.
Thankfully though, once you begin to look past the top few leagues into the madness that is the Minors and Div-16 College football there are a plethora of putridly drawn masterpieces just waiting to be dissected.
Here are five of the best/worst!
5. Rage in DuPage
‘Hey Barry, what are kids into these days?’
‘Umm, let me see. The Internet. Phones. Fortnite. Drones…’
‘Yeh! That’s it! The DuPage cell phones! No hang on, what was that other thing?’
‘Yeh f*ck it that’ll do, let’s get lunch.’
And that ladies and gentlemen is how you end up with this piece of garbage.
Look, to be fair, I’m not sure what else the artist could have done here. I can only imagine upon receiving the brief they’ve probably googled drone pics for 20min, sat contemplating their mortal existence for another twenty before sticking a couple of drone copters on a clip art baseball and then gone to lie in the foetal position under a cold shower.
It just doesn’t make any sense! Why would you have a drone baseball? What would be the f*cking point? Can you hit or catch it?You can’t just stick a bottle of shampoo on a drone and call it ‘Drone Shampoo’. It’s preposterous.
Apart from the odd aerial photograph drones should stay away from sport as much as possible and be left to weirdos taking snaps of people sun-baking and saggy polo shirt wearing middle-aged blokes who didn’t put aside enough money for a proper mid-life crisis convertible to show off to the neighbours.
4. The Golden Grog Bogs
You know when you’re on a Bucks weekend and Macca has woken up in the morning after a night on the ran-tan, gone straight to the throne and come back claiming to have ‘Just given birth.’
Well, somewhere in Texas instead of just avoiding the toilet for the next 45min they thought that’d actually be a great idea for a mascot and just went and straight up created an anthropomorphic turd for their logo.
Behold, the Amarillo Great Sandies aka Slimer’s jaundiced brother.
Alright, you got me, it’s meant to be sand and not the other four-letter S word. But who are they trying to scare with this sh…sand? Anakin Skywalker?
And add some fibre to your diet…
When it comes to naming sports teams, the hierarchy of cool generally goes:
Literally anything else
Naming your team after a weather event is a sure sign that you have, quite literally, resorted to pulling ideas out of the air. Looking at you Gold Coast Suns.
Despite this teams with lame-ish weather nicknames can still have a crisp, unique and exciting logo if great care is taken.
Ok, replace ‘crisp’ and ‘unique’ with ‘scrunched up piece of wet toilet paper on the mens room floor plus hockey gloves’ and you’ve got a good idea of what the Bakersfield Fog have done here. While we admit the ‘Bakersfield public toilet debris’ probably would be a bit of a tough sell for the marketing team, at least it would be a much more honest moniker for this filth.
I mean, it’s worse than actual fog. If having your flight delayed for three hours and being stuck in the airport and forced to buy soggy $9 ham and cheese sandwiches whilst your phone battery slowly went flat so you couldn’t watch a move on the plane was a logo, this would be it.
2. If you can’t beat ’em…
Vegetables and sporting teams tend to have a bit of a Shining thing going on. They just bring out the worst in each other. Can’t help it.
But, what if you were to take a vegetable and give it a lot’s of attitude and a radical personality?
Say hello to the Chinook Sugarbeeters….and goodbye to your sanity.
A sugar beet is some sort of sweet potato looking thing, only the people of Chinook have chosen to give it a serial killer’s smile and stick it Island of Dr. Moreau style to a pair of kitchen beaters in what can only be considered a gross over commitment to a pretty average pun in the first place.
Honestly, I don’t even like being in the same room as this picture, like I’m going to accidentally type its name three times and wake up mangled by some psychotic carrot appliance thing.
Just get your sugar from the little packets at Maccas like everyone else you weirdos.
Oh man, we’re getting into the dregs here.
Ever heard of a geo duck? No, you’re a normal person, of course you haven’t.
If you had to guess what would you say it was? Some sort of poncho? An aqua plane? Scrooge McDuck’s weather satellite he uses to control the world’s wealth by manipulating the climate in low lying nations?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
Well, that’s…ah yeh I don’t know what that is.
The text on the logo says Evergreen State College Geo Ducks, the Donald Duck head on the elongated snail looking thing however indicates David Cronenberg scrapbook doodle.
It’s all a bit disturbing, a feeling that was not cleared up a whole lot by Googling Geo Duck only to be bombarded by images of shellfish with livestock sized dongs hanging out of them.
With alumni like Matt Groening and Kramer from Seinfeld we can only assume Evergreen College let the students choose this one, before most likely closing their doors due to angry riots six months later.
Seriously, what is it with football and clams…