Training, nutrition, game-day preparation, snapchatting your star player passing out in a kebab shop at 3am the morning of a game…all these things are treated a bit more loosely in the local ranks.
As are, it seems, club logos.
Where your professional footy club will do something boring like employ a bunch of graphic artists and engage focus groups to create a polished if not slightly vanilla logo, many local footy clubs are content to slip the Coach’s cousin Davo who works as an automotive spray-painter $20 to scribble something horrific out on a beer coaster and voila! One logo for the next seventy years!
And just so you didn’t have to, we’ve dived into the deepest depths of local football codes to bring you five of the most insane logos money couldn’t buy.
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja nightmare
Yeh, things good weird quick eh?
When your rugby union club is named after something as slow and floaty as turtles then it’s fair enough that you may want to toughen up your logo a bit.
I mean, turtles can bite and stuff right?
Forget the biting though, let’s go full Michael Bay on this guy and chuck him an eight-pack and some disturbing looking quadriceps! Raphael ain’t got sh*t on Flipper the flanker here, kid doesn’t need no Katana swords he’s just going straight up palm Shredder to death.
Respect where respect is due though, and managing to sandwich at least two unnecessary words into their title so that they can sing the club’s victory song to the TMNT theme is something to be applauded.
4. Horse from Hell
Kids who were born in the 80s might be having a brief flashback to the cartoon Bravestarr right about now, in particular his weird human/horse hybrid bro Thirty-Thirty. Who sort of looked like the Galloping Greens mascot here, minus a decade of steroid abuse.
The ultimate irony of this logo is that Leeton have chosen to personify (horsify?) the galloping part of their name, only to come up with a mascot that is the definition of ‘too much weights, not enough speed work.’ Seriously, ASADA is packing an unusually large plastic cup in their kit every time they look at that peptide injected pony.
Strangely enough Leeton’s rugby union side also has one of the quirkier monikers out there, being named ‘the Phantoms.’ Named so because…the bloke who gave them a lot of money really liked superhero ‘the Phantom.’
Not sure what they’re eating in Leeton.
3. Mullumbimby dodgy uncles
Look, there’s not conveying an air of professionalism via your club’s logo, and then THERE’S THIS.
We’re getting pretty bloody close to the ‘Dead Seas Scrolls of local footy logos here.
Look, a lot of lower level football teams (in particular rugby union for some reason) love a logo showing a mascot holding a beer in one hand and a footy in the other. Funny stuff.
Mullumbimby however have decided to significantly up the ante by giving their beloved Moonshiner mascot two bottles of hard liquor, a couple of discarded stubbies and a cigarette whose contents can only be described as ‘suspicious.’ This bloke looks less likely to pack in at breakaway as he is to break into your car to steal the spare change in your ashtray at half-time.
Actually, come to think of it, he looks a little familiar…
2. Monotreme Monstrosity
‘Echidnas? Those cute little bundles of spikes? Yeh how could you possibly make them intimidating?’
Christ, have a go at this thing, I feel like I’m about to get glassed just looking at it!
You just know this Echidna’s nickname is Slug and he loves nothing more than punching schooners all arvo before starting a brawl over a game of pool then walking to Maccas only to have someone film him on their camera phone after he goes berserk at the sixteen year-old behind the counter because they forgot his BBQ sauce sachet.
He’s probably at home right now dressed in his ‘Tap Out’ singlet and Fox Racing board shorts watching A Current Affair with a dart hanging out the side of his beak, grumbling about how introduced species are stealing all his ants or something.
Still, his mates say he’s an alright bloke…once you get to know him.
1. Watch your step
And finally, from the game they play in Heaven, we bring you the graphic designers they have in Hell.
You’ve been warned…
OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!
The mind boggles, it truly does.
I’ve thought long and hard about this one and have come up empty. Maybe Salvador Dalí was cruising through Old Bar one arvo and struck up a convo with the President of the local Rugby Union club?
This is just pure nightmare fuel, some sort of Kafkaesque fanged shellfish that happily devours local divers after luring them to their doom.
Stephen King is rumoured to be writing four new books off this logo alone.