Government meets demand by increasing seating capacity on Raiders bandwagon


Government ministers have bowed to pressure and increased the capacity of Canberra’s bandwagon, with the upgrade required to cater for the influx of neutrals and unequipped blow-ins desperate to cheer on “Jeb Crocker” and “DJ Leilua.”

With construction to begin immediately, officials have guaranteed additional seating on the bandwagon will be available in time to accommodate this weekend’s losers and a forecast squadron of politicians seeking photo opportunities.

The NRL has welcomed the increased capacity not only as a win for the everyday fan, but also as a possible avenue to sell more jacked-up tickets that “give punters what they want” while “monetising their interim patronage.”

But with the supply of new seating already being drastically outstripped by demand, a ballot will be conducted to ensure the most fervently transient Raiders fans can be identified, and subsequently told where to go.

This will see hopeful bandwagoners undergo an audit that will identify frauds by crisp retro jerseys still bearing price tags, a failure to correctly spell “Woodgers”, and anyone wondering aloud when Ruben Wiki’s due to return from injury.

The enigmatic, exhilarating and deeply flawed Raiders are the hottest ticket in the NRL Finals, with the side hugely popular despite being full of Poms and coached by a man who kicks chairs at his own fans.

Ricky Stuart’s side have enjoyed a breakout year of controlled thrills and innovation, punctuated by Josh ‘Handsy’ Hodgson and company’s unrivaled ability to pinch possession one-on-one, a movement known as rugby league’s first ever celebrated strip club.

Canberra’s crusade to a top four finish saw the club’s long-suffering rusted-on fans dreaming of breaking the 24 year premiership drought, with belief growing by the week of a Huawei-sponsored tidal wave washing away years of Fone Zone pain.

These expectations went in to overdrive on Saturday, with the team able to overcome the Storm despite coach Stuart’s obscure attacking strategy of directing all traffic towards Ben Ikin.

This followed an extraordinary start to the match where BJ Leilua copped an eye injury from an errant pyrotechnic, with the side able to regroup after determining critical information about their teammate, namely how his substitution would affect try-scorer markets.

The Raiders win resulted in record numbers of forgotten fans and also-rans flocking to share the ride with the club’s core supporters, because there’s nothing that brings people together like a feelgood story, and beating Melbourne.

This saw lime green patronage swell quickly to bandwagon status, a categorisation reached in record time thanks to the side’s eternal status as everyone’s second team after countless seasons of being entertaining but ultimately unthreatening.

However, authorities have warned the oversized bandwagon could swamp sales for preliminary final tickets, with a record inundation forecast to re-engage with the team because they have relatives in Goulburn and/or once passed through the capital in 1987.

While final numbers remain unconfirmed, this could see genuine fans and rusted-on sufferers overrun by the biggest influx of false insurgents to Canberra since parliament’s citizenship scandal.

In response to questions whether the upgraded capacity can bear the extra weight of thousands of long-lost cousins and 97 percent of the rugby league community, assurances have been made the bandwagon will be reinforced with a specialized industrial material, also known as John Bateman.

With demand for the bandwagon at astronomical levels, authorities have also issued a warning to patrons to be wary of scalpers selling fake tickets.

This follows reports of a lower-quality bootleg in circulation, believed to be the Eels bandwagon.

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