Parramatta reaches milestone by anointing 100th Next Peter Sterling

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In addition to winning two games, Parramatta has achieved another milestone with Dylan Brown emerging as the club’s 100th Next Peter Sterling.

The Eels resurgent start to 2019 has fans harking back to the glory days of the 1980s, a time when the club was an imperious powerhouse that wasn’t obligated to issue season ticket holders with therapy pets.

One key aspect of the club’s success has been boom playmaker Dylan Brown, a young Kiwi who has done such a fine job cementing his position that he is already looking for a million bucks from somewhere else.

Brown has stepped seamlessly in to the role vacated by Corey Norman, who departed in the off-season for St George Illawarra in a role slightly modified to that he performed at Parramatta, mainly because it involves pants.

While many are publicly playing it cool about Brown’s sublime talent, Parramatta are set to reward his performances with the crushing expectation to live up to their yet-to-be-emulated club champion.

Brown is on track to be crowned the Next Peter Sterling, the 100th anointed for the tag in the club’s storied history of burdening its own.

While the onerous label of Sterling 2.0 has left a consistent wake of casualties at Parramatta for 27 years, the teenager’s two eye-catching games are definitely more than enough to encumber him with the job of ending decades of restaurant-quality failure in the Golden West.

The Eels fanatical search for a Sterling replacement began in 1992, an unresolved quest for a missing person in rugby league almost as intriguing as Peter Beattie’s wonder over the whereabouts of Laurie Nicholls.

Such has been the anguish from fans and administrators alike, anyone who strolled through the front door of the Parramatta Leagues Club with a number 7 anywhere on their person- even their drivers licence- would be immediately rushed in to first-grade.

Sterling remains the club’s most revered ball player, separating himself from contemporaries like Ben Kusto and Mitchell Moses thanks to his classical halfback traits like the ability to catch and not abuse teammates.

He played a leading role in the club’s platinum decade of the 80s, piloting the star-studded club to routine premierships while not once filming himself having sex.

The champion halfback is still held up to this day as the club’s last bastion of point-scoring and attacking prowess, despite serving time under Laurie Daley’s regime of impotency at New South Wales.

But despite Brown bringing up the club’s wonderful milestone of unworthy Sterlings, many fastidious historians will question his premature inauguration as the club’s 100th incarnation of the Origin great.

However, records of failed Sterlings have now been amended to include the club’s 62 unsuccessful cloning attempts. This was a private project known as The Peter Parthenogenesis, a strategy that was eventually dumped in favour of systematic salary cap rorts.

This number is further fattened by the widening search criteria of recent years, with the club’s sheer desperation leading to the tag being slapped on anything half-talented with hands, like running five-eighths, utilities, stunt kelpies, or even inanimate objects like Kris Keating.

Brown’s elevation brings to a close a lengthy wait for the century of failed Sterlings, with the 99th anointing coming almost three months ago when a mannequin at a Peter Wynn stocktake sale caught the eyes of fans by showing greater vision than Chris Thorman.

Not only has the fresh-faced Kiwi now thrilled the club over many, many minutes, reports show even his DNA testing returns an irresistible likeness to Sterling, with forecasts revealing he is likely to bald and sustain horrific nose swelling.

This unequivocally means he will emulate Sterling, or alternatively, Jeff Robson. Or even a deformed watermelon.

Whichever way, Parramatta will take it.

This is why the club is desperate to lock up the youngster long-term- somewhat because he’s handy, but mainly to secure a front row seat to their inflicted torture in the same way a sadist would trap a beetle in a jar and poke it with a stick.

But they will have their work cut-out to retain his services, if the off-season is any indication.

The equally-extreme desperado New Zealand Warriors already tabled Brown a $2.69 million dollar offer, a deal that would’ve reaped the teenager the largest collection of Zoo and Lynx this side of Schoolies.

What do you think?